Effort

I tried to find God as I took of His bread
While told to hang my head low out of sorrow
But all I found was a strong sense of shame
Feeling that this grace was, at best, only to borrow

I tried to find God as I sat in His pews
Where my mind couldn’t help but wander
But I knew my heart and my sins, even then
And their relationship that would only grow fonder

I tried to find God as my friends bowed their heads
Convincing me there was good behind their tears
But the sensation that they all insisted was joy
Only spent a lifetime suffocating below my fears

One afternoon, I told you how I tried to find God
How I wanted to believe in this Holy Martyr
But you recycled words from the book you slid my way
Eyes glazed over, smiling, muttering, “Try harder.”

 

Incandescence

Present, haunting, persistently noticeable
Threatening the darkness to which I am so gullible
Whispering away veils of cowardice and quiescence
And forcing confrontation against justification of silence

Evoking an unnerving introspection
Seeming offensive in its sudden ingression
Proclaiming the truth of its own existence
Involves exposure of deep-rooted brokenness

Then.
Realizing, this whole time, it welcomes me on its side:
There is beauty in daring to encroach toward the light.